I Feel Fucking Crazy(thread edit)

I’m hoping that happens today. I’m not often this bad, but couple weeks a year it’s over the top. Ugh...it’s exhausting.

Thanks for sharing. It helps to be understood.
Hubs tries but he doesn’t get it...

Sitting here feeling so abnormal.

Yeah. All that...
I’m just glad it doesn’t last too long anymore.
It used to takes months to come out of it.

You totally stole that Taco quote from Gabriel Eglasies.

Yea it was on reddit a while back.

I feel like I have an actual physical ball of fear inside by chest making it hard to breathe. Like an actual weight on my chest.

like if I had surgery to remove the fear tumor, I would never feel like this again.

One of my counselors/therapists/witchdoctors explained to me many years ago about anticipatory panic- getting ready to go somewhere, do something, see someone and just the thought of that triggering a panic attack before you even encountered the situation. Dumb bastard DIDN'T tell me how to stop that from happening. Fuck you, thanks for nothing; panic is panic (there's a cool band name).

Now, I do one of two things; get ready early and relax and breathe deep, herbal tea, melatonin; all the psychobabble, mumbo-jumbo, anti-anxiety drills that succeed as consistently as Dak Prescott. OR, I wait until the very last nanosecond, leaving me no time to consider anything but being on time. #1 is usually what works best for me.

I want to share something I wrote on Quora as an answer to a question about what movie do you watch that has special meaning. This is not directly on topic but it's something I want to share with my panic-pals, anxiety-amigos and freakout-friends.

Thanks!

What movie did you find so compelling that you've watched it several times?

Babe-(Yes, the piggy movie!)

I have a panic disorder which I can keep at bay most of the time. Several years ago, I was at home and an attack was creeping its way into my space and I was having a difficult time fending it off. Nothing was working; breathing routines, music, reading, herbal tea…NOTHING!!! The tightness in my chest worsened and then the tremors started.

I slumped into my easy chair and contemplated another trip to the ER to be told that, no, you’re not dying, go home and relax. I reached for my tea and knocked the TV remote off the arm of the chair. Picking it up, I hit the power button and on the screen I saw the opening credits for the 1995 film Babe.

I worked in a music/video store when this movie came out for sale and had seen it numerous times. I liked it; it was funny and cute. This time, however, it was something else. The opening line from the narrator, the smooth-voiced Roscoe Lee Browne, completely grabbed my attention; “This is a tale about an unprejudiced heart, and how it changed our valley forever.” I sat up and pondered,”How can I do that? How can I get an unprejudiced heart?”

For the next 90 minutes I was no longer watching a heart-warming, feel-good wholesome family picture. This was a training film, a revelation, a porcine epistle on being a good person and how to treat others.

It’s not complicated; I basically watched a fake pig follow the Golden Rule for an hour and a half. By the time I was 5 minutes into the story my panic attack had subsided and I was enrapt by the goings on and personal dynamics of the creatures in the Valley. When it was over I felt quite relieved and grateful for the lesson and the distraction from my crisis.

I will play this on occasion, not just for stress relief, but also for the laughs, inspiration and escape it brings me.

Thanks for reading!

I like to try to avoid meds, but if I could get my hand on a Xanax or two, I would.

Thanks for checking. Truly.