I realize I am trying to kill myself

I just got sick of spending the money and feeing like shit after smoking. I just quit in January. Cold damn turkey. Feels super good to not smoke. Real weird too because I had almost zero cravings.

Smoking is going to fuck up your sinuses. It was really the fact smoking started to make me feel like shit, and I didn’t want to feel like shit. Now, I feel less like shit.

Quit smoking and it will be one less thing that makes you feel like ick.

And you’re just a big old shit bag, nothing can be done. lol

You’re so fucking weird dude.

I know being a weirdo is how you cope. I don’t judge that much.

Smoking is just one of many things that are not good for you & could lead to death.

The so called experts tell us do this an not that but the problem is they change their damn minds so often ya might as well do what ya want eat what you want cause just about everything will cause death.

I think the way you respond to suffering will kill you faster than the shit you put in your body. Its a constant state of fight or flight. Panic even. Just so much happening around you. The drinking....pills...cigs etc. Its all just an escape. The real damage is from the stress you personally put on your body dealing with stuff. And its a lot of stuff. Daily. Until you can really just stop those things and handle matters without cratering in front of your family? You will continue to feel like shit. Stop using shit. Eat healthy. Speak with someone. But really start showing yourself what courage looks like by living well. Despite the shitty circumstances. I promise you if you put in the work..you will think about your issues differently. A good start is to simply handle life on lifes terms without putting any form of poison in your body in a daily basis.

You being a strong leader who doesn't outwardly show how unhappy he is will have a huge effect on the mindset of your wife and kids. The best thing you can do for a bi polar son? Dont live such an unhappy life that may make him feel responsible for it. 

Last thing a bi polar needs is to get that thought in his head. That he is the reason why dad is so unhappy.